My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
