I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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