I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
