I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Randomize
