i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
