I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My penis needs a shock collar
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
