And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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