I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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