never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
