Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Too much gin, very little bucket
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
