i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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