Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
