my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
