It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
