i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
