so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
