I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize