If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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