The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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