If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
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sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
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Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?