my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes