im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
A Guy Sent A Woman What May Be The Craziest Breakup Text Ever
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
28 Completely Safe For Work Pictures Of Genitals
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.