I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....