Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.