I'll bet she douches with gravy.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
