bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
