Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
