I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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