You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
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I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
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Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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