There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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