But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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