Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
