upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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