Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
