I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
