You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
