So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
