May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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