There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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