i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
