i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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