apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
