mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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