Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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