i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
a search helicopter?!
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
