my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
