remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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