I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
