Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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