Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
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I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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