Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
