Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
