im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
