i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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