My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
A bitchslap is in order.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
