You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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