i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
