There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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