On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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