this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
